it's still under construction. i thought i'd post the first draft. Comments very much appreciated.

Michael didn’t sleep last night. He hadn’t slept since she died over a week ago. Too many thoughts that couldn’t escape him, thoughts that needed full attention. But maybe, after today, he could sleep. 

            The 7a.m. alarm rang. He wearily placed his hand on top of the clock to silence the beeping. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes before swinging his body out of bed and heading for the shower.

            Showered and shaved, with a few stinging cuts here and there from distraction, he sat at the kitchen table and stared at the bread on the counter. The corners had turned green. His stomach growled. The only thing that kept him alive was coffee. He got up from the table and clicked the kettle.

            He turned around from the bench and looked around the room. The place was a mess. The sink was filled with dishes, papers all over the floor and the sofa, everything coated in dust. He’d do it all tomorrow, just had to get today over and done with.

            With tea in hand, he sat in the chair in the living room. To the left of the chair was a photo of her. The only thing that was clean. He picked it up with his left hand and placed it on his lap. More thoughts that couldn’t escape came flooding from his eyes. Some fell on the glass and others into the tea. He wiped his face with the bottom of his t-shirt.

            The 8.30 alarm rang. Time to get this over and done with. He downed the coffee in one and placed the photograph back on the table. Back into the bedroom, he switched off the alarm and took the suit out of the wardrobe.

            Black trousers, white shirt, black jacket, white carnation, black tie, a white complexion and black circles around his eyes. Had to keep up appearances for her.

            9.30. The car wouldn’t be there for another half an hour.  He went back into the kitchen and made another coffee.

            “I always liked you in a suit’

            Michael turned, jumping out of his skin. He moved his head forward to give his ear close attention. He listened. No creaks, no drips, just silence. He turned back to his coffee, and poured the water into the mug.

            ‘And you remembered the white carnation.’

            He spilled the water all over the bench, burning his hand. He knew that voice. He couldn’t forget it.

            ‘Look what you’ve gone and done. Put the kettle down and keep your hand under the cold tap.’

            He should have turned to see where it was coming from, but he didn’t. He followed her instructions, and put his hand under the tap, then wrapped it in the tea towel on the bench.

            ‘Better?’

            Now he turned. ‘A little’, he hesitated, ‘where are you?’

            ‘Come, sit down.’

            He couldn’t say no to her, never has. He left the cup drowning on the bench, and sat in the chair. He looked over at her photo.

            ‘I haven’t got much time left, so I’m going to have to be quick.’

            He stared at the photo.

            ‘We didn’t get our chance to say goodbye before I went, and I know how you hate funerals and talking to piles of earth, but you need this, and so do I.’    

            He couldn’t form words. He couldn’t make noises. The thoughts came rushing, too many at once to pick one.

            ‘I want you to take care of yourself. You’ve spent too long taking care of others. Heck, too long taking care of me. You need to take time to yourself. Go out, meet a few girls, and make memories. I feel as though I’ve held you back for so long, and now, here’s your chance.’

            He wanted to object. Scream to her that it was a labour of love. How could he not care for the woman that raised him. Taught him everything he knew about life.

            ‘I know you’ll say what I’m telling you is all lies, but I know it’s true. You’re still a young man, and a handsome one that at. You shouldn’t hide away from things.’

            ‘I miss you’ were the only words he could muster.

            ‘I know you do, and I miss you too. But, it’s time to move on. It’s going to be hard, and the last few days have been the worst for you, but it’s time. It’s my time to go, and time for you to go out on your own.’

            ‘I’m sorry.’

            ‘Sorry for what?’

            ‘Not being there.’

            ‘That doesn’t matter. I’m here now, and we’re saying our goodbye properly. You’re the one person I wanted to say it to.’

            Michael swallowed back the tears in his throat. ‘I can’t say it.’

            ‘Well, you have to. The car is around the corner.’

            ‘How are you?’

            ‘What kind of a question is that?’  

            He couldn’t think of anything else worth saying. He’d only end up repeating himself.

            The driver knocked on the front door.

            ‘Just a minute’, he yelled. He picked up the photo, and look at her in the eyes.

            ‘I love you, I will always miss you, but it’s time for me to go.’

            ‘Wait. I want to ask, to say so much’

            ‘We don’t have time. Goodbye Michael.’

            ‘Goodbye.’

            The driver knocked on the door again. Michael just looked down at the photograph, hoping to hear one last word from her.

 

A sonnet about Arthur Miller:

There are so many questions I would ask

if only I had the guts. I’ll listen instead

As you verbally unmask yourself to

A stranger about the thoughts in your head

and the notes in your battered leather book.

You don’t answer about your love affair

or on the negative outlook of life

Willy Loman surrenders to in despair.

 

But you talk openly about childhood,

the Wall Street Crash, delivering bread and

your conviction of contempt of Congress.

Then you fall silent in your wooden chair

and clean your glasses with a shaky hand

then confess, we loved each other, that was it.

About time for an update. I apologise for the delay, but it's been a rather busy week, so much so, that I haven't done much in the way of uni work.

I've been back to uni 2 full weeks now, and i'm still not used to the early mornings. My timetable is quite kind, apart from the 9am start on a Tuesday and a Friday, or the 6pm Poetry finish on Mondays, but i just need to get back into the routine again.

So, first day back, being stuck in til 6 wasn't the nicest of surprises, or my first lecture on modernism consisting of images of great art, lacked somewhat to what I was expecting, bit, if it's useful. Tuesday morning was tough, but we ended the day by going to the pub and having a few too many drinks for a Friends birthday. He was quite pleased with his gift of a 'Whack - Zombie'. It was a fun night, though we didn't win a piglet. And i woke up with a bit of a poorly head on the Wednesday.



 
Since I get Wednesday and Thursday off, those days of my week are now spent reading, or contemplating leaving the house to go to the gym, or atleast actually doing some form of exercise, and an attempt to eat healthily. Friday, after two days off hurt like hell! I now with being at work at 7am last semester, and even the week before we went back, i should be used to such early mornings, but i'm not. Atleast we have a much better Seminar tutor this semester who has just finished about about the first author we're studying.

I took last Saturday off, and spent it doing my favourite thing in the whole wide world: Reading! Read criticism on James Joyce and Ford Maddox Ford, as well as some general stuff on Modernism. And Sunday .... was spent doing exactly the same thing. Oh, apart from the evening.

Sunday night, I went to see Reel Big Fish, with a very close friend of my I will call Mr Ginger. I went around to his a few weeks ago, and we agreed that the next time they play we'll go, and surprise, they were playing at the end of the month. It was a nice night. He came and pixked me up, we went over to Newcastle and had something to eat at TGI Fridays. I've never eaten there before, it was ok. Would have been nice to see something other than meat drenched in Jack Daniels sauce of BBQ sauce on the menu. After that, we went down to the Academy, watched the first support band from the back. Meh is all I can say to a girl with a squaky voice attempting Ska. From that, we headed to the front. Watchd the second support band who were actually quite good: Big D and the Kids Table. And then Reel Big Fish. WOW!!!!

If you've ever been to the front at a standing gig like that, you know how it gets. Being pushed side to side, back and forward, crushed against every other surface available. You ache the following morning from trying to keep your place, from having elbows in your back all night and you arms from trying to keep you place from a silly blonde girl pushing in front of you. It's a shame I didn't got back to Jasons for a few drinks afterwards, but I was knackered, so was he. Got some ok photo's out of it.



And this week. Very very busy.

Monday was sisnters first proper day back home. She's moved back in. Now, she'd only been back 1 day and was getting on my nerves. Not only did she decide to get up when i woke up, but she changed the shower settings!!!! GRRRRRR! It's noly a little thing but my god it's annoying! So, after that, off to uni and my lecture from the lovely little Irish man that is Philip, only to get a message from my sister asking me to get my mothers birthday present from her for Tuesday. I said ok because she forgot on Saturday with moving all of her stuff back in and having an appointment to get her eyes checked. So, she wanted a float voucher, as is custom for my mothers birthday. (By float voucher i mean a voucher for an hour session in a floatation tank.) So, I went from Uni at Haymarket down the castle keep, which is about 15/20 minutes walk. I get there, the place is closed for refurbishment so I have to got to the one at St James. So, I walk most othe way back up to uni but detour up to the Discover Museum, and get to the New Age Spa. I got in and ask politely, only to be told that they've sold the floatation tank and will no longer be offering them. And to top it all off, there's no where else in Newcastle that does it! An hour and a half wasted!

Tuesday, my Mothers Birthday. I leave early for Uni, and I knew she wouldn't be up, so I arranged her presents neatly on the CD cabinet and left. Since I didn't finish Uni til 4, then was at work til 7, I decided to come home for Dinner, with some fondant fancies (her favourite cakes) and some baklawa. My sister came home too, so we all had lunch together. She was very happy with her presents from me, especially since all the pens worked (I bought her memorabilia from a ship she took a trip on while she was at school - S.S.Uganda. i managed to get her a few pens, a folder, two large pictures, a postcard, a keyring, a mirror and a sailors hat). My sister ordered a bouquet of gorgeous flowers and some chocolates. When I got home again at about 7, we all had tea together again. We don't often do much as a family anymore, not even eating with each one of us having differnt time tables.

Wednesday. Now, my other present for my mother for her Birthday was tickets to see Raul Malo at the Sage. He used to front the Mavericks but has now gone solo. I had the intention of gettung up early, going to the gym, and then getting ready to go over to Newcastle and 'stalk' as she puts it. I ended up switching the alarm off and waking up at 10. Still, got ready, went over to Newcastle. Waited outside for about 2 hours, laughing at the snow and the man with the jug, only to ask a guy from the bus when Raul was coming and being told around 6pm. So, we went home, got changed, and then went back to Newcastle. Literally two minutes after we arrived at the Sage again, Raul turned up in his taxi. We got a few pictures, got a few things signed, and then said our farewell for a few hours. We went for our evening meal at the Tyneside, then came back to the Sage. I didn't think much of the support act, but Raul was amazing. He didn't sing the songs I wanted to hear, but he did do a few i sang along to. We had front row seats, so my mother enjoyed herself, especially with the room being only small. It holds about one hundred or so people in Hall 2.

 

Thursday, I went for Sushi with ghost, and then to see Toy Story 2 in 3D. Sushe was an adventure since he doesn't like eating fish, and was almost sick, but atleast he tried it. He ate the chicken stuff anyway. I love yo sushi. I still laugh at the immature jokes in Toy Story. And i think I always will. Came home after that and got some reading done. Just finished reading Their Eyes Were Watching God By Zora Neale Hurston. I may have shed a tear or two at the end.

Friday, another early morning at Uni. Only to be followed by an afternoon at work. Half of our staff are off. Two are off sick, and the other two on holiday. So, i was called in for the afternoon. Wasn't too bad. Had the intention of going to the gym afterwards, but just came home and finished my book. And had an early night for work.

Saturday. with half the staff being off, I had to do a full day.  9 hours on your feet reeks havoc. Not to mention having to walk to work in SNOW! Yes, the snow has returned, with about 2 inches or so in my street. Not happy, had to get my wellies out. And with it melting partially, and then re-freezing, i almost fell over on my way home with a ridiculous amount of shopping for everyone. Want meant to go out for a meal with my sister, but I couldn't. Was fast asleep on the sofa by 8.45.

Oh, I spent most of my breaks on saturday claning out the kitchen at work. there was a massive pile on unwashed dishes, which people had only attempted to put in a bowl with some water, and I wont even tell you what was in the fridge. But, i cleaned the dishes, the cupboards and sorted the damn cupboards out. It wont stay that way for long and I know it!

Sunday: Today. Again, no gym. Went to my local shopping centre to try get a new phone only to be told that it's out of stock. They had it in on Friday! So, got some shopping with my mother. Came home, got under the covers and read three books. So, work for the week done. And, did some yoga. I can't do 'down face dog', I just don't bend that way. But, since i've signed up to do 6 weeks worth of yoga at uni, then i though why not try it.

So, my arms and legs ache already. I'm listening to band called The Toasters, and my room is still a mess no matter how much i try to keep it tidy.

Today Wednesday Loves: very warm quilts and actually doing some form of exercise

Today Wednesday Hates: having to keep changing the shower setting after her sisiter has had a shower, waiting around for news again and dirty people who put cups of coffee in the fridge at work!!

DON'T LET THE BASTARDS GRIND YOU DOWN

and an odd photo to end with:

I hate the burden of knowledge sometimes.

Wanting to say so much to other people when you're sworn to secrecy. Wanting to say something to the people involved or the people who ask the question 'what's wrong?'. But all I can do is just crawl away and hide, because it's easier.

I hate the inability to act. Having to just wait for a result. Hoping that it will all turn out ok.

Wanting to shout and scream at the people involved. Wanting to tear them shreds and let them know just how much thier actions have affected others, and how, in some ways, your hoping they suffer the way you have, and then again, wanting it to all be ok, and for things to go back to normal.

It's saturday. I've had a crappy day at work. I feel awful, physically and mentally. I went to bed as soon as i came home. I'm going to go back soon. I need to get things out of my system without saying more than I'm allowed. 

My sister has started moving her things back in. And she's already started getting on my nerves. I'm not sure if i want her to come home. I'm happier with the house to myself on a morning without having to fight for the bathroom. Not having to watch even more rubbish on the TV. And i'm certainly not looking forward to my mother and sister watching the Columbo and Murder She Wrote box sets!!!

It's the little things she does that irritates me. Like taking things without replacing them. Using things without asking. Talking when there's no need to ... at all!!!! Not drying her hands on the towels in the bathroom, but instead, wetting the door handle, and drying her hands on a towel in the airing cupboard. (It's like sitting on a warm toilet seat, it's just not right).

And then again, it's the big things. It's letting you down. We used to go to the gym and on more than one occassion she'd cancel at the last minute because she had work to do or she just couldn't be bothered. On the times we've planned to go out, i've hoped that it would just be me and her, but her fiance always has to be there. Either driving or just coming with us. It's when we go to gigs, and she stands at the back wearing a ridiculous pair of shoes, and leaving before the last song so she can get to the car. And it's her getting there after the support band, and just before the band go on stage.

If you aren't aware, we're meant to be going to a Hen Weekend in Barcelona in april. I'm really looking forward to it. I know it'll be cheesy, with matching tshirts, lots of drinks, some tacky things covered in penises, but i'm still looking forward to it. She, on the other hand, doesn't want to go. She doesn't like the idea of it being cheesy. To be honest, I don't think she actually knows what a good time is.

If i go to a gig, I want to be there, at the front, if not, jumping around in the thick of the crowd getting battered and bruised, and covered in drink. I've learned not to rely upon my sister, but instead, do things for myself. I fit the gym around my timetable, which is inconvenient with hers. I work Saturdays, so that takes a day out of the week where we can't go shopping. I have other friends to go out with. And, a while ago, I lied to her to say a poetry night was cancelled because i didn't want her there.

She relies too much on oher people. when I came in form work, my mother, father and my sister we're all working together to put her bedroom back in order. When i got my new furniture, I built it, and put the room back together without their help. I'm a lot more independantly minded.

Kudos on her doing her degree part time while she works full time, but she doesn't seem, to me, to have the right state of mind to be doing the course. At the end of her foundation degree, she just kept saying 'i'm not bothered anymore'. She missed her graduation last year for the sake of a holiday to Barcelona, which she only spent three days at, because she got bored and didn't have enough money to do anyhing. And, she's missing her Graduation again this year because she's going to Ibiza. I wouldn't miss my Graduation for the world. I plan on graduating in a vivienne Westwood dress, then buggering off on holiday for a month or so.

She has no sense of adventure. It took her till she was 23 to get her ears pierced, and til 25 to get her first tattoo. At the age of 20, i've had my ears and nose pierced, and three tattooes, with more on the way. I want to go further afield that Europe. I want to go to America, both north and south, India, China, Japan, Germany, France, Romania, Denmark and everywhere else across the globe. I want to go zorbing and bungee jumping. I want to go to a masquerade. I want to visit Alcatraz. I want to see soo many bands, even if it means travelling to see them, like going to see The Cure in Paris, or the Basement Jaxx. I want to perfect my lego chair. I want to to be happy enough with my body to pose as a 50's pin-up. .... I want to live!

Despite the fact we're sisters, we're very different creatures. Sometimes, i think, our only connection in any way, is through genetics.

Today Wednesday Loves: how warm her quilt is, and how good pesto pasta salad tastes

Today Wednesday Hates: ... take a wild guess

I'M NOT CALLING YOU A LIAR, JUST DON'T LIE TO ME 

On more than one occassion. Thank the lord for thigh bruises
   

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